


Everything's My Fault

by evilstheater



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Freeform, Gen, Grooming, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mild Gore, Suicidal Thoughts, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:20:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22264744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilstheater/pseuds/evilstheater
Summary: freeform, original work depicting someone mentally unwelltw in tags.
Relationships: None
Kudos: 4





	Everything's My Fault

When I realized I meant nothing to a lot of people, I stopped existing.

Every sound that came from my throat, I felt that I could never convey. I realized that my stories would have never been told, and I realized that in the end I had lost. For each day that dragged on, I considered adding another line to my will. I’m unsure how to write a will, but it feels like it will be my life’s work. When I realized that I was just laughingstock, I took another sip of cough syrup. A false sense of happiness was better than anything I could feel at the moment.

For each poem I wrote, I felt that hiding my emotions behind cutesy words fixed nothing.

I could write about how miserable I am all day. I realized that no one really cared about what I had to say. I wasn’t even the secondary character in so many lives--I was merely a background character. I wondered if I crossed anyone’s mind often. I wondered if anyone listened to my hidden cries of help through writing. For each hidden metaphor, I hid it behind a smile and said that I really was okay. I was living the lonely little life I never thought I’d live.

For each word I said, there was someone to make fun of it.

I realized how mocked I was behind my back. From those who I thought were my friends, from those I never met, and for those I will meet. I stopped speaking. Then people forgot I was here. I was drowning in a sea of silence, and it was my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. 

I don’t like to speak anymore, but I can’t close my mouth. 

I want to sew my mouth shut. I know no one will believe what I went through. I spoke, and people believed when it made their lives easier. If I don’t speak about what I go through, then no one will know but me. Then I won’t be a burden. Then nothing will hurt anyone. Then it’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. No I won’t. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault.

I want to feel my blood again.

I feel like I’m 12 again. Discovering that first cut. One gentle slice across my chest, and the blood leaks out. It feels euphoric. But I feel so dirty. A 19 year old tells me that it is okay to cut. She’ll bandage it up. It’s my fault I felt that way. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault. Everything is my fault.

I can’t stop thinking about how paranoid I am. Everyone is laughing at me. Everyone is watching.

I want them to stop.  
I want to be okay.

I want to be okay.

I want to be okay.

I stop screaming.


End file.
